NAKED & RADICALLY HONEST…

Please pray for my family. Moments ago I found out that my sister has been diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of cancer. My other sister has MS. And my nephew leaves for Iraq in a few days. This is just a really hard time…

THANK GOD For A NEW DAWN… the information I learned there is what has helped me to get where I am at!

I have to comment on one thing… There are people who say things like, “I will not be looking to change my current regimen.”

I must ask…. How’s that working for you? How are you feeling? How’s your cholesterol? Are you going to be around for your children’s future or are you going to keil over from a heart attack before they get to adulthood? Are you morbidly obese? The words “morbid obesity” kill me. It means we are so overweight that we could DIE from health concerns having to do with that. Have you lost babies to miscarriage, preeclampsia, or other complications? I have lost two and nearly lost my own life as well. Are you on medications to treat all kinds of symptoms but not the problem? (A headache is NOT an aspirin deficiency…).

Everyone can choose their own road. But as for me, not only for the sake of my own life but for the sake of my family who wants me around for a few more years, I am NOT satisfied with my current regimen or my present condition. I WANT HEALTH. I want to solve the problems at their root. I want to LIVE… And I will not sit back and #1 - be too lazy OR scared to choose to get better or #2 - cut down those who are choosing to get better and the vehicle they’re taking to get there. My thought is this: You want to stay sick - that is fine. But don’t try to sink everyone else along with yourself. That is beyond the most despicable thing you could ever do.

I wish you all the very best of luck!

I spent the weekend with Rochelle Rice and all the attendees at “Women’s Wellness Weekend” in the Birkshire mountains of NY. It was really amazing!!!! Rochelle Rice is… well… AMAZING. I can’t begin to describe it properly. It was very uplifting and good for my soul. I would recommend her book, site, and retreat to anyone. And for the first time ever, I am SO jealous of you NYC residents. Never been a city girl but ya know, I would love to attend Rochelle’s studio.

Check Rochelle out at In Fitness In Health ~ www.rochellerice.com

THANK YOU WITH ALL MY HEART to Rochelle and to all the WONDERFUL new friends I made. Also, without Amy, Christine, and Melissa, I would never have been able to attend. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!! My gratitude runs deeper than words could ever say…

ALSO… Thanks to Andi, I found a new song that I love. It is done by a few different artists including Susan Ashton and it’s called “A Rose Is A Rose”. Here are the words:

They say you're a fool they feel you resistingthey tell you you'll never go very farbut they'll be the same ones that stand in the distanceand fall in the shadow of your shining star.

Just keep on the same road and keep on your toesjust keep your heart steady as she goesand let them call you what they willit don't matter a rose by any name is still a rose.

The kindess of strangers it seems like a fablebut they get to seek what I seethat you can make it if you are ableto believe in yourself the way I do.

Just keep on the same road and keep on your toesjust keep your heart steady as she goesand let them call you what they willit don't matter a rose by any name is still a rose.

Cause a deal is a deal in the heart of the dream,and a spade is a spade if you know what I meana rose is a rose is a rose.

Deal with the scoffers is part of the bargain,they heckle from backrows and they bark at the moonthe flowers are fading in times bitter gardenbut yours is only beginning to bloom.

Just keep on the same road and keep on your toesjust keep your heart steady as she goesand let them call you what they willand just remember a rose by any name is still a rosea rose by any name is still a rose.

This is what I wrote on another gal’s blog in response to a blog she wrote. I wanted to share it here because I think, I hope, that I wrote my thoughts about the matter well.

Here it is:

Hi!! I am so glad you wrote this. I am so happy to have the opportunity to respond to you. I hope this is okay.

You wrote, “I remember when Tulin first posted her info on the mom’s list. She sent us an email saying that she was leaving PCOSA. I guess if I were running things over at PCOSA, I probably would have emailed the group later, and explained that, “Yes, its official, she did leave the orgnization; however, we still love her,” or something–things were just kind of left hanging, in my tiny opinion.”

I think that what happened was Tulin was crushed by a combination of factors and she was being very open and honest by posting everything she said. Tulin has no desire to hurt the PCOSA in anyway. She wishes us well and she is still helping us a bit here and there. She has absolutely no ill will for the organization… I can promise that. But, that one post sort of looked like it perhaps. She actually has a bigger heart for helping women with PCOS than pretty much anyone else I have ever met… she is real. But she felt she had to move on and do that elsewhere. And I respect her for that.

I probably should have responded to that post but at the time I was in the same whirlwind she was in and didn’t know what to do… It was a tough situation.

Part of what happened was Tulin was visciously attacked on forums - not only other forums but on the PCOSA forums. And we didn’t know what to do because at every turn we were being accused of censoring people and all kinds of evil. So… we tried to let people express themselves as much as possible but what happened was it hurt Tulin deeply… and she ended up feeling like the organization that she was making great sacrifices for was not standing behind her and was not standing up for her. This was NOT our intention as moderators of the forum but it all just worked out… well, not great.

If you know me you know that not only have I never allowed people to be attacked as members of our community but I have always held to the idea that people do NOT attack volunteers publically. Well… I somewhat allowed Tulin to be attacked. It was very poor judgment on my part. I was very torn between letting people speak and trying to keep the peace and not let Tulin get hurt… I failed miserabley. She was torn apart and, as you read, very very upset.

If you know anything about how protective we feel about people who help us, such as a doctor who saved our lives or perhaps a friend who you love dearly, then you may understand also how Tulin felt when she watched as Mr. Stoakes got ripped apart on our forums. He saved her life… she has stated that many times… and she was the one who the PCOSA sent out to put him under scrutiny. He passed Tulin’s “test” and she proceeded with “allowing” him into the PCOSA. Much to her dismay, he was treated horribly. And she felt responsible for introducing him to it all.

About the divisions… they have always been there. We, as moderators, have just done a better job of controlling them in the past. Think about the hot buttons… metformin while pregnant or breastfeeding, breastfeeding period, how to discipline our children, heck the whole Terri Schaivo thing…. The only difference is, those things are better handled by people like ME, and they went away. Things go in cycles. But this New Dawn thing is HUGE, and it’s not going away. It is taking time to see how people do on it and what not. It isn’t a fad thing… it is staying… and so people continue to debate it. It is a hot button issue that isn’t dying down. But, it will. Just give it a little time and have faith that we will get things under control at some point in time hopefully SOON.

I am just wondering if you recall at all how nasty people were about Dr. Glueck once upon a time… And now no one has a bad word to say about him. It was just another one of those things.

“Then, for those of us on the outside of this ‘New Dawn’ thing—well, I went to all of your blogs and read about “meanies” and “uglies” etc–I got the feeling that everyone was divided into two cliques–the “New Dawn” crowd, and the rest of us.”

Well… there is a division but it is not the New Dawn crowd and the non-New Dawn crowd. It is more like the people who can be nice and respectful and those who seem to have a hard time with that… There are people out there who have been cruel, absolutely horrible… and they are who I don’t appreciate. If you do or don’t agree with A New Dawn has nothing to do with it. But if you can be kind and respectful about HOWEVER you feel… that is so important. And, people are often times more able to just let go and say whatever they want, however they want, when they don’t have to look into the eyes of the person they’re hurting. It is a sad reality about the internet.

This also is not new. You said you liked when I was moderating. I can’t tell you how many times I walked away in tears at how mean people could be. We are a tough community (meaning women with PCOS). We have been hurt. We have been mistreated. And when it comes to the internet, it is just all too easy to let the anger go on whoever is there.

“I guess I also just don’t understand why people can’t be sketical about “The New Dawn” and still be loved.”

People are still loved and we welcome skeptisism. What we don’t welcome is name calling, bashing, harrassing, and complete disrespect. It has nothing to do with being skeptical. I believe that people SHOULD be skeptical. And they should base their decisions on facts, like reading the information and not falling into the bunch who just spread misinformation like wildfire and jump on the bandwagon of bashing others. Do you know what I mean? I actually still love even those who are really nasty about it… Because I know that they are hurting and I know why. And My heart goes out to them. However, at some point, we have to face the idea that we can’t save everyone and we can’t drown ourselves trying or we won’t be here for those who need us and want us.

“I probably should’t have blogged about any of this–I may get “both sides” mad at me, but I just want the two sides to dissolve, and for all of us to come together again–can’t we get passed this? Aren’t women with PCOS strong, intelligent, loving women? Am I asking too much to ask everyone to get along?”

No, you’re not asking too much… you’re being open and honest and I respect that SO MUCH!!! I think we all want the same things. But there are people out there with intentions of doing nothing but tearing others down, especially those who are helping and receiving help… and having success. It is human nature. It is sad, but it is the way humans are many times. Anyone who has great success gets hurt by others. Even people who lose weight via diet or gastric bypass. people often times will talk about them behind their backs and say that they have changed and gotten snotty or something. Most of the time… the truth is that the inside of the person did not change but their friends got jealous of their success and the back biting began.

It is just human nature. And, it will get better. Just please hang in there and keep on talking The tides will change and things will heal… it just takes a little time.

BLESSINGS ~
Tarra

Answered Prayers
By Tarra Hartl

When I was 18 and a freshman in college, a music student, I met the man of my dreams. He swept me off my feet… a love like I had never known. I knew he was “the one”. I thought my calling was to be a pastor or a musician, perhaps a counselor, but things really changed after I fell in love. I began to have visions of marriage, lots of children, and a country home.

We married at the young age of 21. We stayed in college with the intentions of having kids in a few years. A year later, however, we were devastated to find out that I had a condition known as Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, and this “syndrome” was the number one cause of infertility in women. My doctor said, “If you want children it may be now or never!” We were horrified. There was not a question. It was definitely going to be “now” before it would be “never”. I began taking fertility medication and charting my basil body temperature. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine having a child with the man I loved so dearly would be so “business-like”.

We were incredibly blessed to have three children with the help of a fertility drug called Clomid (aka clomiphene). Though we wanted more children, a “large” family, we did not want to go through the fertility medication routine anymore. We decided that if we were meant to have more children it would just happen naturally.

The idea of not having a larger family was difficult. I am one of six children and my mother is one of thirteen. I grew up adoring being a part of big families and feeling sorry for kids who I thought were “less fortunate” than I. I knew how lucky I was though, to have my three babies. I had preeclampsia, a miscarriage, gestational diabetes, and a premature baby so far. Given the complications I thought I better just be happy my kids were healthy and stop wishing I could have more.

I started to volunteer with the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome Association and learn a lot more about this condition. I learned how many women struggled with infertility, miscarriage, and pregnancy complications, not to mention all the other horrors that can come along with PCOS. I learned about a new “miracle” drug that women were taking to treat their symptoms. The idea of being “normal” was just amazing to me. I found a doctor who agreed to put me on metformin even though it was controversial at the time.

I began to have regular periods and feel better. About eight or nine months later my periods stopped again. I remember cursing, deciding that the metformin must have stopped working for me. But one day I decided to take a pregnancy test for the heck of it. Never did I imagine I it would be positive, but I was pregnant!

We did end up with our “five kids”, but not without going through a lot of hell. My second miscarriage almost killed me. The last thing I remember is hearing them say my blood pressure was 70/30 and the blood bank better get there “Now!” I lost consciousness. I thought I was going to heaven with my baby. They intubated and gave me blood transfusions to save my life. When I woke up, I could not even lift my head I was so weak. I had never felt weakness like that before. I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t get to the bathroom by myself. My neck hurt as if they had tried to twist my head off when they intubated. I took pain pills for weeks while I sat around doing nothing, trying to regain my strength, and get out of the depression. I wanted that baby in my arms. I did not want another angel in heaven. Eventually I did get strength back and I did move on with my life. It was definitely one of the most perplexing times I have ever been through.

A few months ago I heard about a man named Ian Stoakes, and his books, claiming to hold the key to curing this illness and others. Never did I think I would see the day when there were much more than a few acceptable treatments for PCOS (and “acceptable” doesn’t hardly describe the treatments we have all been given thus far). These books and this man most certainly seemed worth looking in to. After all, what did I have to lose?

I read the books and talked with Mr. Stoakes. I found him to be credulous and I believed wholeheartedly in his approach. The books talked of how to heal PCOS, diabetes, infertility, miscarriage, pre-eclampsia, premature birth… So many of the battles I have been combating. I observed as some of my friends followed the encouragement in the books and began to show impressive progress in their fight against this beast we now know to be chronic inflammation. Weight loss, more energy, radiant skin, hair, and nails, finer sleep, less stress, improved moods… the list goes on. There was no reason for me to be waiting. So, in I dove.

I started by noting the vitamins and supplements the books mention we may be lacking if we suffer from chronic inflammation. I made a trip to the store. I made sure to choose what I thought were high quality supplements, with no preservatives or fillers etc. I was sure to drink water as well. I stopped taking the one of the medications I had been on for years (metformin). Within days of listening to my body for signs of inflammation, taking these supplements, and following the wise words that I found in these books, I began to sleep better, awake earlier in the morning feeling rested and in good spirits. I stopped taking a migraine preventative and one other medication as they were both “class C” drugs I was not comfortable taking in the case that I would ovulate while not on birth control. What is astonishing is that in the past, within a few days of even lowering the migraine med dosage I became stricken with a terrible migraine and had to go back up in dose. I did NOT get a migraine this time! I was in sheer amazement and waiting, everyday for the migraine to come. It has not come! Soon after starting my new regimen, I felt all the signs of ovulation. “Wow,” I thought, “My body is acting normal!” I have not ovulated without clomid or metformin before. Everyday I was feeling stronger, more energy, more “normal”, as if I was really on the mend.

Here is the most miraculous news: A week or so ago, I felt something. I won’t go into detail, but it was what I knew to be a sign of pregnancy. I took seven home pregnancy tests to confirm that I am, in fact, pregnant! My husband and I are both so delighted we cannot even express it in words! This, however, put a halt on my elimination diet and a rush on my need to take the blood test to identify all of the items I need to avoid to insure that I continue to gain health and heal the chronic inflammation. This will help me to have a smooth pregnancy.

I want to thank Ian Stoakes for the compassion he has shown and the wisdom he has shared… I cannot fully express my gratitude. Ian’s message has truly been the answer I have been looking for.

I wish you all the very best on your journey to health. I believe I have found the right path for me. The answer to my prayers. A New Dawn.

Tarra has dealt with PCOS & Chronic Inflammation for many years and has a long history of volunteer service to the PCOS community. She has worked with the PCOSA in several roles and is presently the President of the Board of Directors. Although the profession she studied in college was music, she says she has found her calling in serving this community and being a home schooling mom. Tarra lives with her husband and children on a ranch in North Dakota.

OK - that is enough moping around about how rotten other people can be. Time to move on out and get on with life. I am tired of them and done focusing on yuckies and why they are they way they are. They are all free to stay yucky and be miserable. I am getting better and moving on and I am doing it without them, thank God. Who wants yucky people on a journey with you? Talk about a way to make a trip sheer misery. Ha ha!

If you can picture a car pulling over to the side of the road… the door opens… out flies some luggage and bags… out flies a couple purses…. then out plops a couple of people who look like hell and have horns on their head. The car rips away, blowing dust all over them. The happy passengers yell out the window “Hasta la Vista” while the ex-passengers stick up their thumbs and look for the next vehicle of people to weigh down and torture with their ill will and bad manners.

Bub-bye now! I may never see you again. But, that is your choice. I can’t drag you and I can’t drag myself down trying to save your butt while you kick and scream and scratch my eyes out.

Song playing in the background, one of my favorites from my college days…

“Movin’ On Up” by Primal Scream

I was blind, now I can see
You made a believer, out of me
I was blind, now I can see
You made a believer, out of me

I’m movin’ on up now
Gettin’ out of the darkness
My light shines on
My light shines on
My light shines on

I was lost, now I’m found
I believe in you, I’ve got no bounds
I was lost, now I’m found
I believe in you, I got no bounds

I’m movin’ on up now
Gettin’ out of the darkness
My light shines on
My light shines on
My light shines on

Did you know that you could join weight loss programs out there - you know, like cookie cutter programs everyone do this, everyone eat this, everyone eat that, everyone pay this much per week or month bla bla bla bla bla bla - only to eat the same foods that are making you sick??? So, we could join these programs and PAY to stay sick! And these programs PREY on fat women like us. And, people who work with these programs say that they are advocates for women like us and that they have no hidden agenda in reaching out and targeting us… (you know, like, perhaps, a paycheck).

Is PCOSLiving a commercial website as opposed to an informational site? Those of us that work with PCOSLiving are paid how much? ZERO dollars. We do this WHY? Because we want to help people!!! Our paying jobs are having ANYTHING to do with weight loss, PCOS, or even HEALTH care of any kind?? NO!!! In other words, we do not benefit in any way except in our hearts knowing that we are doing good.

Companies that “sell weight loss” (Nutrisystem, weight watchers, etc) make money off of and prey off of FAT people. They do NOT address the underlying cause of obesity or health issues such as chronic inflammation. They promise to make you thin and pretty and for that, you will pay money. The biggest money making industry in the country. I would bet that 90% of the members of pcos forums want to lose weight. How many do you think look into these weight loss companies when trusted advocates subtly endorse them, thinking it’s all innocent…

BUT HELL. If the PCOSA (a NON profit website) advertises anything they are put through the freaking RINGER for it. The PCOSA funds, what little there are, do NOT go to line anyone’s pockets, I can guarantee you that!!

PCOSLiving found something that really helps people. We found HELP. We don’t have any kind of agenda or ulterior motives. Why can’t people see the TRUTH?????? And people can cut us down… But they can’t look in the mirror at themselves and see the LOG in their own eye.

I am still struggling with how horrible people can be. I read somewhere that spiritual people are especially hurt because they are more free than others to risk vulnerability. Caring and loving for them is not an option but a necessity, a vocation. I definitely think that reaching out to others has always been a vocation for me. And there are those who would say “toughen up”. But you know, to hurt is human. Jesus hurt very deeply. To put on a tough front, to me, is to act arrogant. That isn’t me. I listened to someone speak last night and he was talking about how people who are hurting and who have been victimized are the ones who tend to lash out, be mean, hurt others, bully. I think that must be really true in women with PCOS. Many of them have been very hurt and seem to lash out and have so much pain to hand out to others. What is really sad about that is, we must break that cycle. Though it is the way things are, it is NOT an excuse. Because you are hurting is NOT an excuse to hurt others. It is a reason to LOVE others. It is a reason to know that you don’t want others to feel that pain because you know what it is like. You would think that people would realize that… But they don’t. The hurt become the ones who inflict the harm. The victims become the victimizers. The abused become the abusers. Statistics show that those statements are facts. But that does not make it an excuse or a reason to continue hurting others. What it SHOULD do it make people want to TRIUMPH over their pain by helping others NOT to feel it too. TRIUMPH by helping others to heal. Break the chain. Break the cycle. Contribute to a world of GOOD. Don’t just sit back and say “I have been hurt and I will hurt anyone who tries to help me.” I have been considering giving up my life’s work of helping others because I am tired of being lashed out at. I am tired of being the punching bag. I want to get away from stress and live my own life with my husband and children and be happy. But, the thing is, that isn’t me. I am a giving person. I wouldn’t be happy if I gave up on my missions. I dunno.

I was meandering around cyberspace tonight and discovered a forum where a poster happily invited Tulin to share her story about the success she is having with “A New Dawn”. I thought, “oh, that is so nice!” So, on I read. Tulin posted her story and information about the books and the PCOSLiving website and all that good stuff. And then, it happened. Someone jumped all over her, well, actually two someone’s, for claiming success. They called this a scam and all kinds of other stuff. This makes me so angry. People are SO IGNORANT and SO STUPID sometimes. This is NOT healthy skepticism. To attack someone who reaches out to help you, out of the goodness of her heart, and demand that the “burden of proof” is on HER shoulders?? What a LOAD of crap.

FIRST OF ALL, let me make this clear. CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR: Tulin is NOT financially connected to these books. Tulin dished out the money for the PCOSLiving website out of her OWN POCKET so she would have a safe haven to share info and support those who wanted and needed it. Ian Stoakes is NOT paying her. He is NOT paying me. We are spreading the word because we want to, because we believe that it would be horrible of us NOT to. This is soooooo insane. We are the same people who have worked for FREE for the PCOSA for years now, in fact, at times we have paid to work for the PCOSA, paid to help things stay afloat, because we care so much and because we want to help. To turn around and question who we are and accuse us of getting paid or having other incentives is just absolute insanity. TO THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE MADE THESE ACCUSATIONS: I dare you to get off your butt and work 40+ hours for NO money, NO pay, and only to get mistreated and crapped on by the people you’re trying to help. Then do it for YEARS. *THAT* is what I have been doing. I guess perhaps I should take a look in the mirror here and ask myself, “Who is the stupid one?”

I was going to post at that other forum, in response to these “nasties”, that it is not Tulin’s duty to go and reach out to those who she wishes to help and then be treated so badly and slapped in the face, and told that you have to PROVE something like that. The proof is out there. It is in the book. The burden of proof is on the author and he has done a great job of showing the proof.

Tulin, don’t you dare stay there, or anywhere that they treat you like that, and try to help people that have only mean nasty venom to spit. You are doing this for FREE for everyone, out of the goodness of your heart (I know that for a fact) and yet they want to attack you (like piranas, again). If they want to stay sick, let them. Getting better is UP TO THEM. Making them better is not up to us. Forcing the information down their throats is NOT up to us. We can’t save the world honey, so we may as well help those who WANT our help and leave the bitter nasty people to themselves.

All of you idiots out there who have nothing but misery to offer in return for those of us who are working our asses off trying to help you? Go PISS in your own coke and stay the hell away from mine, thanks. Keep on chasing away the people who are trying to help you. See how that works for you.

OK……. Done ranting and raving. I promise, my next post will be much much nicer.