NAKED & RADICALLY HONEST…

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow morning so I have to get to bed but I thought I better write a few words here.

I am 2-1/2 weeks into following the EPC blood test results faithfully. I feel really good. Sometimes I wonder if I am even pregnant because I feel so good!!

Today I ate a lot… I do everyday lately though! LOL! I am a porker! I had sourdough English muffins for breakfast, baked chicken, fried hash brown potatoes, and spinach salad for lunch, and a pasta salad with tuna fish in it for supper. In between I have been munching a lot on olives, peanuts, pistatios, fruit, and “orange julius” drinks. Oh, and chocolate soy milk. WOW I cannot believe how good that is. I didn’t think I would like it but it was on sale at the grocery store so I bought some and I think I will buy more.

Yesterday we had steaks for lunch and then I made stir-fry with the left over steaks and broccoli and rice for supper. Tomorrow I think we’re having pork chops.

So I guess you could say I am really doing WELL! My kids are eating so good. They eat everything I cook and they love it all. Matt too - and he needs it. He doesn’t take good enough care of himself. Me cooking more means a lot more real food and less PB&J and Mac & Cheese. And a lot more water, juice, and milk and no more pop in the house. Matt is a huge coke-a-cola drinker. He had a headache yesterday from no caffeine but he is doing good today. He has switched to gatorade and water at work (he works in very hot temperatures) and milk, juice, and water at home.

He has gotten me totally addicted to the RO water that he makes at work. They do all their own water treatment etc. and their RO system makes 27 gallons of RO water every minute. So he brings it home and I love it even more than any bottled water I can find. It tastes so clean and so “chemical free”. Some of the water I buy at the store tastes like it has junk in it.

Well I must hit the sack. Between Matt and the kids using the computer I have not been able to get online much. I will try to do a better job of blogging though.

Have a GREAT week everyone!

Well, I have been on the EPC program for 11 days now. (I should say the EPC bloodtest program because I have been following much of the program for several months already). I made it through the first week with no problems. Things have been going really well! I had headaches the first few days but they have now gone away. I was told I would have headaches from withdrawl from the foods I was cutting out of my diet. But I hoped I wouldn’t of course.

It is amazing how many things I feel changing. Like my patience level has gone up. I feel much less anxious. I sleep well again, finally. I just feel really good. I have not had nausea since I started!

A woman from a magazine wrote to me and asked a few questions for an upcoming article she is writing about PCOS. She asked me why I started a blog. Here is some of what I told her:

I received the results of my EPC blood test on Friday. We immediately went to the grocery store to be sure that we had good foods in the house. I admit, I feed my kids a lot of mac and cheese and PB&J. And we go through *at least* a gallon of milk per day, if not a gallon and a half. The results of my blood test were really quite good and I am sure I will be able to stick to it. The biggest thing I have to replace is cow’s milk… which, as a friend reminded me, by nature is for baby cows, not people. LOL! I drank probably a couple quarts of milk per day myself. I have switched to Rice Dream and Soy milk. I tried goat’s milk but…. just for drinking I don’t think I can hack it. Used in cooking it is good though. And I love goat cheese.

I must say, I am not going hungry that is for sure. I bet I am eating more calories and food than I did before. I feel really good. I have eaten steak, hamburger, potatoes, rice, corn, lots of fresh fruit, oatmeal, tea, fruit juice, lemonade………….. that has been just since Friday at supper. Oh, I can’t forget the Coconut Cream pie. Giving up cow’s milk will be a challenge for me but it won’t be too hard with other milks available.

I am really excited to see how much better I feel in a few weeks. If I feel better already and it continues, it is going to be really great.

On other topics: Homeschooling is going very well this year. We are very very busy though, with Micki advancing a lot since last year and Matthew doing more school. Not to mention TJ constantly trying to disrupt us all as much as possible! Madison is moving right along. She is going to a girls’ hockey party this weekend with her daddy. It’s the kick-off for the girls for the year. It will be the first year that she has played with just girls. She is used playing right along with the boys. It will be hectic because she and Tristan will go to separate practices. Micki wants to play too and perhaps she will if our schedules allow. Matt has to skate with Micki and Matthew so it is up to if he can fit that in. I know he wants to…

It was chilly here today! It was a nice change from the heat but it felt almost cold enough to start up the heater. I don’t look forward to filling the propane tank… ugh. It costs us over $100 to fill our suburban with gas. We can’t afford to leave the house!

Matt has started painting gifts again. Never to early to start… Christmas is coming fast! He painted a beautiful shirt with a fish (salmon) for his dad’s birthday. He also painted himself a jacket with a spotted draft horse on the back. It turned out gorgeous! Madison wants to learn to paint and loves to watch him. She has had her own little airbrush for a couple years but it’s just a cheesy little thing for little girls to paint tattoos. She wants the real thing. She trains horses with Matt too. They’re just the best of buddies and have so much in common already!! She always has been a daddy’s girl though - even in the womb! (She would respond to him but not me - stubborn little thing. And when she was born she was constantly looking in the direction of his voice no matter who was holding her… I remember him being afraid that his own baby wouldn’t like him… it was a really nice surprise when she ADORED him immediately).

When I read the comments on my blog telling me what I am and what I am not (opinions of others, one in particular) I find it amazing that someone would think things of me that are truly the opposite of who I am. But then, I was thinking about it. My husband tells me that I am a very complex person. I think, a lot. And I realized that I have heard it said before that some people are like onions, with many many many layers… that is me. I have many layers. There is so much to me that it would be impossible for you to ever know me completely.

The thing about keeping a blog and writing your inner-most feelings and thoughts, and allowing anyone to read it, is you’re exposing the inner layers… the layers that are not usually shown to people who you do not know well. It is very scary. Especially when you get trolls who tear you down in your own space.

Who am I? Am I a Christian? I believe in God. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for me and I believe that I am going to heaven. Am I perfect? Not even close. Am I a sinner? Of course I am. Do I make mistakes? Everyday. Do I cast judgment on others? I don’t think I do. I definitely try not to. Does this mean that I am nice ALL the time, that I never get angry, that I never feel the need to stand up for myself? Absolutely not. I am human. I even cuss. I am SO HUMAN, and SO NORMAL……

It is just strange because I am being told that I am “all Godly”. While I am very much in love with God, I have never, ever been what some people refer to as a “Bible thumper”. In fact, I don’t even fit into the religious homeschooling circles. I am just me. I am different. I have many layers. And I have a great love for people, no matter who they are or where they come from.

I don’t enjoy people choosing to hate me, judge me, hurt me, twist my words and actions into whatever they want and make me look as terrible as possible……… But, I guess the fact is that those who want to know ME will try to get to know me with an open mind and not decide that I am some horrible person before they even try. I am saddened by the amount of discouragement there is out there. People are so discouraged by their own experiences with PCOS and other illnesses, that they are certain there will never be a cure and they will never get better. They spread this discouragement to others. To me, that just seems so wrong.

Me? I am very encouraged. I know that the pain I have felt as a result of having PCOS will be replaced with joy ten times as wonderful as any pain I have felt. I know that because I know that to be how God works in my life. I believe that the pain is being replaced now, and everyday, as I get better.

I will keep you posted…. :o) And I sign off today with the words that have helped me get through the hard days when people are so cruel… I posted it before but, it is worth posting again…

My mother-in-law took me shopping for my birthday (my birthday was in August but everyone has been sooooo busy……). She bought me two maternity outfits. COOLLLLLLL! We also ran into my sister at the mall. First time I have seen her since she lost all her hair (from chemo). She was bald, but very upbeat and really seemed to be doing good! Also, my dad is home from the hospital now. I guess they still don’t know what all happened, but, he is doing okay at the moment so they sent him home for now.

I am getting excited to be pregnant… the nausea is starting to get better as is the exhaustion. So that is really helping. I also found out just a couple days ago that my best friend, who has PCOS and has struggled with infertility for years now, is pregnant!!!!!!!!!!! She is due a full two months after me. How awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is amazing how hard infertility can be. My best friend has no children yet. She and her husband are Godparents to my kids. But none of their own until…… June of 06!!! Compare her infertility to mine… I am going to have six kids! I think the difference for me was that I started trying to conceive when I was only 22. I still had to take clomid to ovulate for my first 3. Then Glucophage for the next 2. So all 5 of my children were conceived with the help of ovulation stimulating medication. Without the miracles of modern medicine, I would very likely have NO children. My husband and I were together for several years (since I was 18) and never, ever, one time did we use or take birth control. But then I never had periods so, I figured I was infertile. Back then it made all the joy of young, passionate love all that much more fun. Anyway, with this baby I was taking vitamin C and following A NEW DAWN… so on one hand I can say I was on nothing but on the other, if not for A NEW DAWN, I may not be pregnant right now……. who knows?

You know what is funny is people will tell me that I have not struggled with infertility. I get that alot from people who don’t have any idea what all we’ve been through or from people who went through “more” to conceive their child or children. I can totally understand people feeling that I have struggled less in that area, but to say that someone who does not ovulate and never has, without the help of some medication, didn’t go through infertility…. well….. that is just silly. Some people are really sad because they want more children, or a child period…… and through their pain they do not see that though I am incredibly blessed today, I also faced having no children, or not as many as I wanted to have.

In a way, it is like someone telling me that my children are not as valuable since I have more than the average mom. I just don’t see how these things can be measured. I wanted every single one of my babies. I have two angels in heaven (miscarriage) who I would LOVE to have in my arms… I want them ALL. Every one of them is precious and valued beyond what I could put into words.

Then there are the occasional people who will attack me from ANY aspect. Tear me down however they can. Including to tell people that I am a liar because I did not deal with infertility. Thank goodness that those who have such cold hearts are so few.

My overall experience with people has been very very warm. I have dealt with guilt over my success in the area of fertility, because I work with women who want ONE child, or have one but want one more and are not having success trying. I see their pain and my heart goes out to them. I feel guilty because God has blessed me so much.

I have felt that a lot with my best friend. But she is the most wonderful person and she KNOWS me, and she knows my kids, and she always tells me that I was meant to have all my kids - I was meant to have a BIG family. She loves my family and she is always happy for me 100%. She never compares or says she feels bad that I have kids and she doesn’t. She even asked me, a couple weeks before I found out I was pg this time, if I was having another baby. She said she was dreaming about me having one more baby and she KNEW I was going to. A few weeks later, I found out I was. She was not at all surprised. She knew. And, she is thrilled.

Of course she is even more thrilled now that we are going to be pg together!!!!! And so am I!!

My kids mean the world to me. I cannot ever put into words how much gratitude I have in my heart for the gifts I have been given.

What is a troll? Trolls are often ugly, obnoxious creatures bent on wickedness and mischief. The image of the troll under the bridge emphasizes the rootedness of the troll in a physical environment. An Internet “troll” is a person who delights in sowing discord on the Internet. A troll is a person who posts inflammatory messages. She, or he, tries to start arguments and upset people. Internet trolls are people who fish for other people’s confidence and, once found, exploit it.

Some trolls they don’t “get” that they are hurting real people. To them, other Internet users are not quite human but are a kind of digital abstraction. As a result, they feel no sorrow whatsoever for the pain they inflict. Indeed, the greater the suffering they cause, the greater their ‘achievement’ (as they see it). The anonymity of the net allows trolls to flourish.

Trolls are utterly impervious to criticism (constructive or otherwise). You cannot negotiate with them; you cannot cause them to feel shame or compassion; you cannot reason with them. They cannot be made to feel remorse. For some reason, trolls do not feel they are bound by the rules of courtesy or social responsibility.

Perhaps this sounds inconceivable. You may think, “Surely there is something I can write that will change them.” But a true troll can not be changed by mere words.

Trolls are various in nature and the type of damage they do ranges greatly, such as:

• Cause irritation to others
• Disrupt an email list or online group
• Build false hopes
• Commit crimes
  

What is a troll?

The term “troll” can mean a number of different things, but in essence, a troll is a person who aims to have ‘pleasure’ at your expense. There are two main types of trolls:

1. people who have the psychological need to feel good by making others feel bad.
   

   This is a sort of “psycho troll“, whose deception involves deceiving themselves as well as others. Such people may use their real names on the internet, and they may not even realize that they are “trolling” because it is all subconscious.

2. people who pretend to be someone that they are not - they create personae that you think are real, but they know is fictitious.

The Internet is a wonderful resource which is breaking down barriers and stripping away prejudice. Trolls threaten our continued enjoyment of this beautiful forum for ideas.

Some people are not upset by trolls and consider them an inevitable hazard of using the net. As the saying goes, “You can’t have a picnic without ants.”

It would be nice if everybody was so easy-going, but the sad fact is that trolls do discourage people. Posters may leave an internet community because they do not want to expose themselves to abuse. Negative emotions stirred up by trolls cause people to become bitter. An angry interchange between a troll and her victims can poison previously friendly interactions. Trolls create a paranoid environment, such that a casual criticism can elicit a ferocious backlash.

Internet users sometimes let their passions get away from them when seated safely behind their keyboard. If you ignore their bluster and respond in a pleasant manner, they usually calm down. However, when your average “keyboard warrior” doesn’t calm down… she may be a troll. If the person persists in being beastly, and seems to enjoy being unpleasant, there is not much you can do except ignore them. When you try to reason with a troll, he wins. When you insult a troll, he wins. When you scream at a troll, he wins. The only thing that trolls can’t handle is being ignored.

Perhaps you simply cannot bear the hostile environment that the troll is creating and want to go away for a while. This convinces the troll that he is winning the battle.

Trolls often times protest that their right to free speech is being curtailed. While we may have the right to say more or less whatever we want, we do not have the right to say it wherever we want. You may feel strongly about the fact that your neighbor has not mowed his lawn for two months, but you do not have the right to berate him in his own living room. In the same respect, if a site owner/operator tells a troll that he is not welcome, the troll has no “right” to remain.

Trolls crave attention, and they care not whether it is positive or negative. They see the Internet as a mirror into which they can gaze in narcissistic rapture. WHY? Who knows why. Some people are just evil. There are people in this world who enjoy destruction. Some enjoy murdering children. Some enjoy sexually abusing children. Yes, these things happen in our world today and we cannot fathom WHY someone would do any of those things….. we also cannot understand why people do other things that hurt people… but when you say, “No one would do that” - don’t be so sure.

Are you dealing with Trolls?

Avoid being deceived by trolls! Before you invest your trust in someone you should verify their bona fide nature from multiple known, reliable and independent sources. Beware of off-list emails that praise and flatter, or seem to evoke sympathy. Beware of emails that are an attempt to attack others or “rally the troops”. Beware of emails from someone claiming to have been victimized by an internet site or newsgroup. If you feel yourself beginning to like someone, ask first: how much do I know about them from real life sources?

Tonight I watched Joel Osteen. If you don’t know this about me yet, I love Joel Osteen. I am so very thankful to have found him. He speaks to my heart. Tonight he talked about being a “prisoner of hope”.

No matter how bad life gets, if we have faith that things are going to get better because TODAY is not the only day that God has in store for us, because HERE AND NOW is not the destination point meant for us yet, we are prisoners of hope. We are works in progress. All things are subject to change and this too shall pass.

Yesterday morning my dad was airlifted to a hospital about 1000 miles away from where I am, after they thought he had an aneurysm (the second major aneurysm of his life). He had convulsions… a grand mal seizure… and remains unconscious in the hospital. The doctors are not sure yet what happened and what is going on now. They don’t know when or if he will wake up. I was thinking, “WHY is this happening? How many bad things can happen all in a row? When will it stop?” I was being a real pity pot and, there are some other things going on as well, and I was just not taking it all very well. I was not keeping the faith. I know though, I realize now, that I must keep the faith. It is far better to be away from the scenes of strife and turmoil, where everything tends to draw out the vileness of nature… and as a prisoner of hope, I know and have faith in that THIS is not what God means for me in my life. I have hope, I confidently expect, that God will deliver a better day to me tomorrow, or the next day, or whatever day He knows is the one meant for that. And in the meantime, I am surely counting the many many many blessings I have and should never be dismissing as I sometimes do…. even if only for a short time…. I should never, ever forget to thank God for what He has given me. And one of the most wonderful things he has given me is FAITH AND HOPE.

I also have had on my mind and heart the pain, destruction, and suffering going on due to hurricane Katrina. I cannot bear to watch it anymore on television. My heart breaks for all of those people, and I am praying for them all. I have hope also that God will bring them relief soon.

What do you need to keep your hopes up about? Be a prisoner of hope and don’t believe the “never” and “forever” lies - all things are subject to change and this too shall pass. Today God may touch you with His favor, and if it doesn’t come to pass today, it might come tomorrow! Zech 9:12, 2 Cor 4:18, Rom 4:18.

Blessings to you all!!