So yesterday wasn’t a great day. Iffin’ ya couldn’t tell from my other blog post…… argh…… Tarra wasn’t a happy camper. Well the day started out with 2 sheriff’s deputys knocking on my door. I was incapacitated at the time… I won’t tell you exactly what I was doing but let me just say this much… thank God I wasn’t out of toilet paper. So anyway my soon-to-be 4 yr old son was running around screaming that the cops are at the door and I am stuck in the crapper. (well, not “stuck” per say… but… you get the picture I am sure). Well by the time I got freed up there was no one there. I am thinking… if it was important they will come back right? Never did my mind jump to “did my kids get hurt at school?” or “did my husband turn me in for taking that fryin pan after him this morning?” — I am thankful that it didn’t because I probably would have had a heart attack. I just really didn’t think that much of it, until I realized that I had recently posted photos of the sheriff pulling an outhouse… dangit… one of them seen the blog and… I am going to get arrested for it. In an effort to get as much done as I could before getting cuffed and stuffed, I started to load up the dishwasher.

Before I continue the story let me tell you this quick tid-bit. I live in the country approximately 10 miles out of town, literally right where the dirt road begins and the pavement ends. I live on the oldest place out here… a little old farm house with an old barn, old garage, old quonset, old pump house, old buildings of all shapes and sizes… old trees… old sewer and water system… you get the picture. There are 80 acres here and our animals roam freely on that 80 acres. Surrounding us on our 80 acres are TONS of little 5-10 acre places with brand spanking new houses and garages and huge heated indoor riding arena horsebarns….. rich folks… they are everywhere. So little old white trash me lives in the middle of a bunch of rich people who’s animals are in pens and on chains and who’s horses live INSIDE in the winter months, in the heated stalls in the heated barns. These people are often times really really really nice. But, sometimes, you run into some that just need to move the hell back to town. They think that their animals are treated well and ours are “abused”. We got a brand new neighbor out here last year who has threatened to “turn us in” multiple times for letting our dogs run. Do our dogs get into ANY trouble?? No. They don’t. EVER. In fact, our great pyrenees keeps coyotes away from not only our place but neighbors too. Very friendly, harmless, and does not wander into the nice little 5 acre yards, but sometimes runs down the road. So anyway, whatever your opinion is on that is fine. We told that neighbor to go right ahead because the sheriff’s department won’t bother with our dogs. They have better things to do.

So back to my story. I am loading the dishwasher and talking to my 4 yr old and my 2 yr old… both of whom are generally screaming about something (he took my toy, she touched me, bla bla bla). My 4 yr old comes running out and says, “The cops are knocking on the windows!” And I am thinking, vivid imagination that one. He says it again. I think, well, I will just have a look see and I am sure they’re not knocking on the windows. Why would they?? So, with a handful of dirty silverware and no bra on (do your boobs hang low do they wobble to and fro can you tie ‘em in a knot can you tie ‘em in a bow can you throw ‘em o’r your shoulder like a continental soldier do your boobs hang low? mine do!!).. and what to my wondering eyes do appear……… Two deputy dogs knocking on my living room window waiving at my 2 yr old who is perched up on the back of the couch looking out at them. Oh crap, I think.

“Hi,” they say, “We got a call from one of your neighbors who is concerned about the well-being of your animals. In particular your horses. How long has that one been dead?”

I little surprised I say… Dead?? I did not know we had a dead horse. Which one? Is it white? to which they answer Yes. Well, that would be Smoke. Smoke is 34+ years old. He is OLLLLLDDDDDDD for a horse. Really old. We been expecting him to die one of these winters. We been considering having him euthenized. We knew he was going to die one of these days. He was getting lame. I am sad that he died, yet very glad that he lived a long life of freedom and happiness, and never had to take the long trip to the vet to get put down and never had to have us try to get him back up…   He just laid down and died. Honestly, that is the way to go. He didn’t suffer. His health was declining but he was doing okay. The kids were out petting him the evening before. They said he was limping. We were not surprised. We did not know that he laid down and died sometime that night and a neighbor, apparently on their way to work, drove by and decided that we were abusive because we had a dead horse there… but… ever so nice of them to let the proper authorities know so that we could take care of it. (Assholes… my driveway is right there… can’t pull in and let us know our horse is down in the pasture?? Alrighty then. That’s the spirit).

So, the deputies said, “WOW, that’s really old for a horse. Well we walked around, we seen that the other 5 look very healthy, we seen that they have food and water, and we can’t see any sign of abuse, so if you can just take care of that horse’s body we will get on our way and leave you be.” That’s about the jist of it anyway. They were very nice and didn’t seem to be too concerned about the whole deal, and they didn’t say anything about my bralessness, so, I was relieved about that.

The rest of this, with all the issues at hand, must be saved for another blog. But, I just wanted to say, when a 34 yr old horse (soon to be 35!!) kicks the bucket it is generally NOT a bad thing. If a horse lived to be that long and is still out walking and enjoying his life you are probably a really decent horse owner, in fact. You probably love him enough to not want to haul him into the sale barn to be taken to the glue factory (no sir not legal in the US anymore but I’ll be damned if the buyers don’t haul them to the factories in Mexico where it remains legal to turn pets into dog food and glue!!) If we had done that to the old boy I guess maybe our neighbors would have been happier about it. PUCKERS.

I have done enough complaining for one day…

RIP Smoke, old buddy old pal. You lived a good long life and you were a great horse… a champion Arabian show horse, in fact. Take that rich neighbor bastards.

This is a pair of my shoes.

Walk a mile in them.

THEN come back and we’ll talk.

NOTE: The author of this blog apologizes in advance for any misconceptions, confusion, or hurt feelings that may arise from the reading of this blog. The author hopes that her loved ones are all VERY AWARE of the fact that she does adore them and does not want to cause any bumps or bruises. The author of this blog wants to be sure that when she says things like, “kiss my hairy ass” it is understood that her ass may not, in fact, be hairy. The author of this blog has to pee really bad right now and hopes she makes it to the toilet in time.

I am the baby of six kids. With that comes much joy. Family times can be, and in most cases are, wonderful. We are close. I love all my nieces and nephews and I adored them when I was growing up. But being the baby of a large family also brings with it perils.

Most people think that being the youngest gets you all the love and attention of the parents. The youngest is spoiled. The youngest can do anything he wants. At this moment in my life though I must say, I do not feel spoiled or lucky. Why? A lot of reasons.

There was A LOT of distance between my 5 older siblings and me. Not just years, but great emotional distance. I have felt very disconnected, like I don’t “belong”, like I am not in the same family. I don’t fit in with the siblings. I don’t fit in with the nieces and nephews. I am a lonely “only child” in the middle somewhere. I am not just the “last-born”, my parents’ “later in life oops”, but I am also the one who has had to try to carve a place for myself in my family despite being weak, emotional, sensitive, younger. I have never been terribly socially skilled or charming or clever. I try to make others happy and keep the peace and just kind of “take it” as its dished out. So I got picked on, made fun of, ridiculed, called stupid and ditzy.

I looked forward to growing up, when it would all work out, I would finally be “one of them”. An adult, admired for my own opinions, whatever they may be. Supported in my decisions in life no matter if they are agreed upon or not. Treated like an equal. Phhbbbbbtt!! Didn’t happen. At times, it has seemed like it may be on the horizon, but, it’s never really happened. It’s just shifted. Now my kids get a lot of the criticism too. And now I am criticized for stuff about my kids. Despite the fact that our mom played “counselor” “comforter” “keeper of children” for ALL of my siblings, I don’t get all those great benefits myself, at least not without a heavy price. For most of my years as a married woman with children I have not had much help at all from my folks. Very little babysitting because I have never gone out or had a job outside my home, and, I have always been a very over-protective mom who just doesn’t let anyone baby-sit kids. I have received very little counseling and comforting because I have had a good life, for the most part, and never needed to run home to mommy’s arms, and those times when I wish I could I just keep it all inside.

Right now today I am at a time in my life where things are, in a lot of ways, falling apart. My health is poor, my emotions are raw. I am facing a challenging surgery and have some really big mountains to climb including something very serious that I have not told people about. I am to the point in life where I need the counseling and comforting. I need the help with my kids. I need my mommy. I have kept it all inside for a long time. My family has been through a lot of grief with losing my sister and my mom going through cancer too. But, I can’t do it anymore. I fell off the private wagon and I can’t keep it all in.

As you know from an earlier blog, my mom has my two oldest kids, who are thriving in her care. She is also very happy to have them and they are really good for her, helpful, loving, well behaved. I need to try to get through this time while they are being well cared for in years of their lives that are crucial to their futures. She is sheltering them from the storm. I thank God for her, and I am so very blessed to have her helping me right now.

People are constantly talking me about behind my back though and it’s really pissing me off. I am apparently guilty of things like taking advantage of my mom (who is so happy to have 2 my kids and tells me that ALL the time), being on the computer “too much” (who the hell’s life is this?? And why does anyone else care how much I am on the computer??), and “meeting strangers”… OH GOOD LORD I can’t even begin to get into that one. I have met a lot of really really really wonderful people. I have never had an affair and I have been married for 13 years. So kiss my butt if there is a thought in your head that I am cheating on my marriage.

There is more but the jist of it is that the baby of the family has become an easy target for people who live in glass houses to throw rocks at. It’s not always the happy, “coddled” position in a family. I have been a strong woman and now, when I am falling apart, people that are supposed to supporting and loving me are more like tasting the blood and going for the jugular. Well, I really have to go pee now so all I can say is, SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. Oh, and thank you to the band “Simple Plan” for recording such a great song.

OTHER DISCLAIMERS INCLUDE:

This product is meant for educational purposes only and should be tried at home. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Use only as directed. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some readers. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. If condition persists, consult your physician. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits one. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Keep cool; process promptly. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Falling rock. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Limited time offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Use only in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Approved for veterans. Some equipment shown is optional. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Decision of judges is final.

Currently listening : Shut Up By Simple Plan Release date: 14 June, 2005

I don’t know if I have actually posted this on here yet but I am having surgery on March 19th. As many of you know it’s something that I have wanted for a year now, and my insurance is finally letting me move forward with it. While it is an elective surgery and something that I want… well… as much as you can “want” that… I struggle with a bit of anxiety as I wait and prepare. I am not only doing this to look better and like myself more physically, but, most importantly and mainly I am doing this so that I FEEL better and hopefully save my own life from the health issues I have that could most definitely kill me. Yeah I know some of you are shaking your head because you don’t get it, you don’t understand it, and you have your opinions about it, but, there is nothing I can do to enlighten some people so I just have to do what works for me and live my own life right? I have been having chest pain and palpatations lately and it scares the crap out of me, because I know how terribly high my cholesterol is. <br><br>So anyway, today I got a script in the mail from the hospital for valium and sleeping medicine, to help with the “pre-surgery” sleepless nights and fears. The hospital stay will be at least 4 days and averages 4 to 6. I know someone who did “well” and had to stay for 9 days. YIKES. I know that there is a lot of pain involved and, again, I am choosing to do this so I may not have the right to even bother you with my worries, but, I am a little bit scared, and a lot sad right now. I will go through it alone because my husband will be working out of town that week and my mom will be taking care of my kids. I am not even saying I WANT anyone there, but, it seems scary and lonely that no one will be there. I know that if my sister was alive she would be there, and that is what hurts the most right now. I can see her, I can hear her… I want to hug her. I guess I need to remember that she WILL BE with me in spirit, my guardian angel. And… I plan to take my wooby (blankie) and my cell phone. Maybe even a laptop if I can find one by then. <br><br>Well I guess this was just my long drawn out way of asking for your prayers. I can’t wait to have it over, and be getting on with life, and feeling better, and achieving my goals. Wish me luck.

When I was a little girl my first trip to the dentist was horrible and instilled a fear in me for life. That first dentist was not nice, not child friendly, and traumatized me. For the next 15 years or so (till I was 20) I had one dentist who was kind and sweet and, here is the good part, always used laughing gas (weeeeeee!). So it went okay. I also went to an orthodontist and had braces and that stuff too.My nice dentist retired about then, and after marriage and no more of mom’s insurance I stopped going to the dentist for a few years. It was a “good excuse” if ever there was one, right? When I did get insurance again I just didn’t go, for no reason other than being scared to death. Fast forward to 14 years later. I tell my kids there is nothing to be afraid of and they do so well at the dentist (and my I add that out of 6 kids up to age 11 we just had our FIRST cavity filled. They are all cavity free and today Matthew, age 6, had a cavity filled). yaaaaay! So back to me. I was prepared to pay extra money and go to the sedation dentist and all kinds of stuff. After 14 years ya know I just figured that I would have cavities and things that required some scary stuff to fix. Well, I did it. I didn’t sleep for a couple nights but I did make it to a regular dentist, where I was so so pleased to find out that my teeth are in better shape than people they see every 6 mos (hygienists words). I have a tooth that is getting a crack in it and I will have that crowned here soon… but other than that my teeth are great! This is such a relief and here I had nothing to be afraid of. Wow!!!

Little Matthew, the first of the kids to have a cavity, got laughing gas and did so well - they just jiggled out the sugar bugs - when we went to leave he asked why we were going. Needless to say I am impressed as heck with our dentist.

Well it’s official. My insurance has approved me and I have a date for WLS on March 19th!  Yaaaaaay I am so happy to have a plan and much to look forward to. Here is to health and happiness. I am scared and nervous but… I have faith that it will all be good. More soon… I just wanted to get that out!!!  WOO HOO!!!!!

I found this today… written by Leo Booth… It really hit home for me so I thought I would share it with you.

_________________

Abuse creates toxic shame - the feeling of being flawed and diminished and never measuring up. Toxic shame feels much worse than guilt. With guilt, you’ve done something wrong; but you can repair that - you can do something about it. With toxic shame there’s something wrong with you and there’s nothing you can do about it; you are inadequate and defective. Toxic shame is the core of the wounded child. This meditation sums up the ways that the wonderful child got wounded. The loss of your I AMness is spiritual bankruptcy. The wonder child is abandoned and all alone.
My Name Is Toxic Shame
I was there at your conception
In the epinephrine of your mother’s shame
You felt me in the fluid of your mother’s womb
I came upon you before you could speak
Before you understood
Before you had any way of knowing
I came upon you when you were learning to walk
When you were unprotected and exposed
When you were vulnerable and needy
Before you had any boundaries
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME
I came upon you when you were magical
Before you could know I was there
I severed your soul
I pierced you to the core
I brought you feelings of being flawed and defective
I brought you feelings of distrust, ugliness, stupidity, doubt
worthlessness, inferiority, and unworthiness
I made you feel different
I told you there was something wrong with you
I soiled your Godlikeness
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME
I existed before conscience
Before guilt
Before morality
I am the master emotion
I am the internal voice that whispers words of condemnation
I am the internal shudder that courses through you without anymental preparation
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME
I live in secrecy
In the deep moist banks of darknessdepression and despair
Always I sneak up on you I catch you off guard I come throughthe back door
Uninvited unwanted
The first to arrive
I was there at the beginning of time
With Father Adam, Mother Eve
Brother Cain
I was at the Tower of Babel the Slaughter of the Innocents
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME
I come from “shameless” caretakers, abandonment, ridicule,abuse, neglect - perfectionistic systems
I am empowered by the shocking intensity of a parent’s rage
The cruel remarks of siblings
The jeering humiliation of other children
The awkward reflection in the mirrors
The touch that feels icky and frightening
The slap, the pinch, the jerk that ruptures trust
I am intensified by
A racist, sexist culture
The righteous condemnation of religious bigots
The fears and pressures of schooling
The hypocrisy of politicians
The multigenerational shame of dysfunctionalfamily systems
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME
I can transform a woman person, a Jewish person, a blackperson, a gay person, an oriental person, a precious child into
A bitch, a kike, a nigger, a bull dyke, a faggot, a chink, a selfishlittle bastard
I bring pain that is chronic
A pain that will not go away
I am the hunter that stalks you night and day
Every day everywhere
I have no boundaries
You try to hide from me
But you cannot
Because I live inside of you
I make you feel hopeless
Like there is no way out
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME
My pain is so unbearable that you must pass me on to others through control, perfectionism, contempt, criticism, blame,
envy, judgment, power, and rage
My pain is so intense
You must cover me up with addictions, rigid roles, reenactment,and unconscious ego defenses.
My pain is so intense
That you must numb out and no longer feel me.
I convinced you that I am gone - that I do not exist -you experience absence and emptiness.
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME
I am the core of co-dependency
I am spiritual bankruptcy
The logic of absurdity
The repetition compulsion
I am crime, violence, incest, rape
I am the voracious hole that fuels all addictions
I am instability and lust
I am Ahaverus the Wandering Jew, Wagner’s Flying Dutchman,Dostoyevski’s underground man, Kierkegaard’s seducer,
Goethe’s Faust
I twist who you are into what you do and have
I murder your soul and you pass me on for generations
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

Something I don’t tell a lot of folks about in my life is my experiences with WSI aka Workers’ Compensation. I find it such a frustrating and painful time in my life that I don’t even talk about it. But there has been a lot of stuff on the news about WSI and all the corruption that has gone on in the last year. A story on the news last night really really hit home with me.

In 1993 I hurt my back. Here is how it happened. I was assisting an elderly woman who had a broken hip into the shower. This woman was very large and heavy. The person who used the shower before us did not wipe up the floor. The rules were that the floor had to be kept dry. Another nurse aid and myself were walking a short distance with this woman to go into the shower when we hit the wet floor. The woman slipped and what flashed before my eyes was this… If she falls and injures her hip anymore she will never get out of this facility. She will be here till she dies and she will never walk again. She was a temporary patient, hoping to get home again, and other than her hip she was in good health. So I did everything I could to help her not fall onto the floor. In the process she was not injured, but I was. I pulled my back out. I completed an incident report just as I always did for ANY incident, even if there was no injury. That was the rule. Always. I had never had a bad back or back aches. I lifted weights, ran at least 4 miles a day, and was in very good physical condition. Over the next few weeks my back ached a lot. I kept thinking it would be better soon, it was a pulled muscle and it would heal on it’s own. I stopped running, stopped lifting, and started babying my back. I took days off of work because I was having a hard time lifting patients. I didn’t really know about workers’ compensation and was not aware that I should get my back checked out at no cost to me, nor did my employer explain that to me. I didn’t even get paid for the time I took off for my back pain. What can I say? I was 20 years old. I was out on my own, my parents didn’t have much. I had insurance through my mom’s work but as you know there are still deductibles and other expenses. My stepdad took over $1000 a month worth of meds (He was ill and died a year later). So… my thinking was logical… my back will heal, I shouldn’t create bills for my parents. Before I hurt my back I had broken my fingers and I had gone to the doctor for that - again, logically, a broken bone needs to be checked out by a doctor, a pulled muscle will heal on it’s own. I ended up resigning from that job, which was in a skilled facility (that means patients needed a lot of care and it was physical labor) to go to a home health agency where there was very little lifting involved, more companionship, light housekeeping, that sort of thing. It was much better for my aching back.

So, getting on with the story, about 8 mos later I moved home. My stepdad was very ill and I was homesick. I got a job as a nurse-aide at the home I worked at in high school. It was nightshift and involved some lifting. A couple weeks into it my back hurt so badly that I couldn’t do rounds at night (middle of the night, turning patients so they didn’t get sore). The pain was sharp and shooting. That home was very good and so helpful. I explained to them how I had hurt my back in Fargo and it was just getting worse and worse suddenly. They helped me with the paperwork and they paid for me to go to the doctor. I had no idea, at that point, that employers did that. (I was naive and only 20 years old). So on I went. To the doctor. To physical therapy, to light duty on a different shift with less pay. And suddenly, to the fight of my life with workers’ compensation.

Remember this. My honesty was a bad thing.

I ended up being denied treatment, denied an MRI even though my doctor said I needed it to find out what was wrong with my back and how to properly fix it. Any physical therapist knows that if you don’t know what is wrong you can actually make it worse with physical therapy. My doctor said I needed a lawyer. Soooooo I got one. And the fight went on. Workers’ comp denied denied denied. At some point I had to choose between court and arbitration. Lawyer said court means if I lose I pay the lawyer, arbitration means if I lose workers’ comp will pay the lawyer. I am thinking…… I can’t afford to pay the lawyer, my parents sure can’t afford to pay the lawyer… (My stepdad actually passed away in that time period and my mom was now alone and poor). I chose arbitration. My case was cut and dry. I hurt my back at work. I shouldn’t be denied. I was telling the truth about everything. Honest people don’t get punished.

ON TO ARBITRATION: in a nutshell, this is how that went. The arbitrator was appalled that they had denied me. WC (now WSI) said that I waited 9 months to file a claim. Their rules stated that a claim had to be filed within a year. I WAS OKAY THERE. WSI said that my reasoning didn’t make sense. If I wanted to save my parents money why did I go to the doc for a broken hand? BROKEN = NEED IMMEDIATE ATTENTION. SORE = MIGHT HEAL ON IT’S OWN. This isn’t brain science people. If I knew how the system worked and was just trying to rip them off why did I get no pay for days I missed when I hurt my back? Why did I quit that better paying job to be a home health aide for less pay and never ask for the difference in wages? Why wouldn’t I have just said I hurt my back at the more recent nursing home instead of being honest that I had hurt it months back at the other one?? What is the reasoning here that indicates I am dishonest and a scammer? Well, this is how the arbitrator seen it as well. So the arbitration went in my favor and WC was ordered to pay my expenses, grant the MRI, pay lost wages, all that stuff. I was so happy at the thought of FINALLY getting my back fixed and getting back to working out and being physically active, no more pain, etc.

WRONG. About a month later WC (now WSI) wrote me a letter simply stating they didn’t agree with the arbitrator’s decision and they were not going to acknowledge it. WTF??????????? Yeah, who knew, they could pull that shit. My lawyer explained that if I wanted to go on fighting some of his expenses would be my responsibility and he, experienced with WSI, figured they would just fight till I had nothing left and they’d win in the end. My only desire being to get better, I chose to stop fighting and get my back fixed on my own with insurance, after the one year waiting period for this “pre-existing condition”. What-freakin-ever.

I will stop there and just tell you this much. Between the back injury and PCOS my health deteriorated quickly, I gained weight, was unable to lose and unable to run and work out, unable to do much lifting, had to wear special braces during pregnancy, bla bla bla bla bla. I have never recovered and WSI has never done anything for me.

Now……….. in the last year or so, all these stories come up. I have known for many years that WSI is evil. The work of the devil himself. What they did to me was frickin’ despicable. And it was such a hard time in my life that I just tried to move on and forget about it. But, here is more about what they do to people. It’s not just me. It’s THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS. I will tell you this. DISCLAIMER: I am not a violent person and I will NOT cause harm to anyone, EVER. But WSI helped me to understand why people go POSTAL - shoot up or blow up places. Never think you could understand something like that till you go through fighting with WSI.

http://www.kxma.com/getArticle.asp?ArticleId=208514

WSI From the Eye’s of the Injured

Feb 11 2008 11:10PM
KXMBTV Bismarck

For the last several month’s we’ve heard reports of corruption in North Dakota’s Workforce Safety and Insurance Program and of injured workers being denied benefits.

Tonight we begin a series looking at the story inside those reports and the lives of those who’ve been affected and afflicted by WSI.

Jim Shaw from the FOX affiliate in Fargo begins tonight with a profile of a disabled workers who has been rejected by WSI.

(Douglas Brown, Injured Construction Worker) “It’s miserable. I can’t sleep at nights. I get up all the time because of the pain.”

45-year-old Douglas Brown of Wahpeton is on so many pain killers now, he can barely keep track of them. The Morphine and Oxycodone not only wear him down, they still leave him with sever pain.

(Douglas Brown, Injured Construction Worker) “This is Joseph, he’s my son. He’s the only thing I’ve got left.”

Brown lives with his 8-year-old son Joseph, but there is not much they can do together.

(Douglas Brown, Injured Construction Worker) “If it wasn’t for him, it probably wouldn’t be worth living. I’m really serious. If it wasn’t for Joseph, I probably wouldn’t be around.”

Brown was a construction worker until eight years ago when he blew out his back. He had back surgery, but the fusion failed. Thus, he’s in constant pain, but unable work. The medical reports from Merit Care in Fargo say “His pain level still remains fairly high for being on the dosage of narcotics he is taking. He is very limited in his ability to do any activity.” And yet WSI has rejected his claim for benefits, at a time that Brown has no income.

(Douglas Brown, Injured Construction Worker) “Now that I can’t work, what am I gonna do? I mean I’ve sold everything that I’ve got. What am I gonna do if something happens to him? I’ve got nothing.

Mark Schneider of Fargo is Brown’s attorney.

(Mark Schneider, Brown’s Attorney) “WSI knew it had a long term disability. Knew this man was going to be disabled because of his chronic pain and his failed back fusion surgery, and this is the only way they can get rid of him. So why should he get benefits? He can’t work. That’s why he should get benefits. From the top down that organization works to delay, deny, and destroy the claims of injured workers. It is a train wreck.”

Schneider says when it comes to WSI the Brown case is the tip of the iceberg.

(Mark Schneider, Brown’s Attorney) You almost fail for words. I’ve used injustice. Travesty. I’ve been doing worker’s compensation for a long time and I’ve got a catch phrase that I use that I tell all my clients. It’s always been bad, but it’s never been worse. And I can say that every day it just keeps getting worse.”

(Douglas Brown, Injured Construction Worker) “I mean why should I be dumped like that?” I’ve done nothing wrong except I tried to work and go back to work, and all them people that work at WSI. I mean I’d be ashamed if I worked for them.”

The problem is, there are hundreds if not thousands of Douglas Browns in North Dakota severely injured workers in tremendous pain, and yet denied benefits. Few people had been aware of this injustice, until it happened to them

SEE THIS ARTICLE ON THE NEWS (VIDEO) AT:

http://www.kxma.com/getArticle.asp?ArticleId=208514

All I can say is……. they are all going to hell for what they’ve done. That is my honest opinion!!!

I really need to get on elaborating about this one but….. here is a start:

The Fucket List

There is a new movie out right now called The Bucket List. Looks like its funny as hell and I look forward to seeing it. It got me to thinking. If that guy can have a Bucket List, I want a Fucket List. The guys in the movie have a list of things they are going to do before they die. They both have terminal cancer. I was thinking I could have a Fucket list just, well, for the fun of it, and maybe a touch of philosophy and hope as well… if that makes any sense. So, here are a few things I will be adding to the Fucket list.

Fucket 1… Vexers. Vex is defined as:

1.to irritate; annoy; provoke: His noisy neighbors often vexed him.

2.to torment; trouble; distress; plague; worry: Lack of money vexes many.

3.to discuss or debate (a subject, question, etc.) with vigor or at great length: to vex a question endlessly without agreeing.

4.to disturb by motion; stir up; toss about.

5.to afflict with physical pain.

So I guess that one is sort of self explanatory. Vexers are out. If I feel vexed, bub-bye now. You’re going on the Fucket list.

Fucket 2… Living life for anyone but myself. Sounds selfish? Yes. But what I have found is that after many many years of giving and giving and being sucked dry and emptied by leaches and bloodsuckers is… I have nothing left. There is nothing left in me. There is nothing there to give anymore, nothing left to give to myself. Nothing left to nurture and love the person who needs it most at this point in life…. ME. Time to refuel. Not sure how, but, time to figure it out and find me again. I actually had a note from a friend today that asked me several questions and stated a few things…. Here is part of that note: “You don’t sound like the powerful, spiritual, strong person I have grown to love and look to. You have always been the ROCK, there for everyone. Always helping in some way no matter what. I admire that.” I shall refuel, replenish, & find myself again. Losing myself is going on the fucket list.

Fucket 3…. Facades. Especially when I find me again, I am going to BE ME, no matter who I am in front of or with. I will be who I am and be proud of who I am all the time. I will be true to myself and not try to change to be “nicer” or hold my tongue. This does not mean that I will become a rude, loud, freaky person, but, I will not lie or sugar coat the TRUE way that I feel and think. PUTTING ON A FACADE (a pretend show) is 3 on the FUCKET list. I think Abe Lincoln had the same thing on his fucket list….

I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live by the light that I have. I must stand with anybody that stands right, stand with him while he is right, and part with him when he goes wrong.
- Abraham Lincoln

Fucket 4… Political correctness. Fucket. If something is funny I am going to laugh no matter how wrong it may be. This world is too full of stress and stuffy people with political correctness shoved up their ass like a broomstick.

Fucket 5… Housework. Do I have to do some? Of course. Do I have to have my house clean all the damn time? HELL NO and I am done worrying about that. Anyone who knows me knows that I suck at housekeeping and I have since I was about 2 years old. If someone wants to come visit me I am not going to freak out about how messy my house is. This fucket is much easier said than done for me, if you only knew!!

I really should add wearing a bra to this list but I know that will never happen. Have you seen my boobs? Most of you can probably honestly answer that with a great big “NO SPANK YOU!” but for those of you who have, you know I need a bra. Who wants to wear one all day everyday in case someone stops by your house? Or run and put one on as soon as someone knocks on your door? That sucks. So I should really just show off my boobs. If someone thinks its good manner to drive over to my house (out in the country BTW) and stop in, knowing that I have 6 kids, a messy house, poopy diapers at any given time, and don’t wear a bra 24 hours a day, then they deserve whatever they get right?

Well, that is going a little far so, I will work on the bra thing for next years fucket list. For this year yet you’re probably safe. I will run and get a bra on or just wear one. You may have to deal with the poopy smell from two kids in diapers and whatever else is going on in my house but, as Yoda would say, be it so.

What else is there? I know I will have additions to this list just as I have so many more stories to add to the other blog series I started with short stories about my life - “Tarra’s Clothesline”………. so……… check back for more!!

Well I posted this one on my blog at MySpace… So I will repost here and go through and try to explain a few things as needed….

New Years Resolutions… can’t say that I have ever really been serious about making them aside from the “stop chewing my fingernails” one that I think I made every year since I was about 5 years old. Never have succeeded at that one. This year, though, I have some resolutions that are very real and I must keep or I fear my life will not be good.

First of all, I absolutely must get into good health. For the last 11 years or so my health has deteriorated so greatly that I am now aching everyday, and then some, and I long so much to feel good again. Not able to play with my kids like a mother should. High cholesterol, diabetes, probably fibromyalgia, in addition to polycystic ovary syndrome. This is the year that I will get my health under control. To start this I plan to follow through with having WLS hopefully in February. I blogged about that in April and since then have been working with my insurance company to pay for it. Well, I am on the last leg of the process and I will be approved in a week or two. Finally, finally, I will get to take a step that could very likely reverse the diabetes, get rid of the aches and pains, prevent me from having to have the faschia cut in one foot, and get PCOS under control.

And what about IAAP you ask?? Well, WLS will kick my ass right into gear and give me that one more tool I need to faithfully stick to the IAAP, and I am determined to do it more than ever.

Also I will, I absolutely will get my teeth all fixed. They are nice teeth. I had braces and they’re all straight and perfect. But I have been so deathly afraid of dentists that I have not been to one in 14 years. I will go back and I will get my teeth all taken care of and I may even splurge on some good whitening stuff. I have an appointment in a week if I don’t chicken out. I am bound and determined to not go to a sedation dentist so wish me luck. You are wondering how I did all the dentist/orthadontic stuff up to 14 years ago?? Well I had a ROCKIN’ dentist who I loved and who gave me laughing gas and listened to me sing to him (”future’s so bright ya gotta wear shades….”). This was after a mean nasty one that I had when I was little. So anyhoo, my dentist was mine from about age 5 till age 21 and he was wonderful and knew I had a phobia. Then he retired. 14 years ago. And I haven’t been to a dentist since.

I will also have at least one tattoo this year. What? You think I am going to hell for that?? Well, alrighty then. More on that later.

This year I vow to turn my life in a new direction, to be a better mother to my kids, to find a direction and a plan for our future. You may not know this but, my two oldest kids went to live with their grandma after Christmas (my mom). They started school there and already seem to be thriving. You ask yourself, how could any mother do this? Well, it is killing me, I miss them like crazy, but all I can say is, Right now I know it’s best for them. They are getting to do fun things with their grandma and take part in activities that they didn’t get to here. They are also going to be kids again and not little mommy and little daddy to their younger siblings, who constantly break and get into all their things. Something told me they needed a break from this and they needed some time to be kids and have fun and enjoy school, something told me that maybe grandma needed them just a little bit too. So we talk on the phone everyday, and everyday I worry that I didn’t make the right decision, but everyday they sound so happy and so good that my heartbreak is comforted. I hope it was the right choice. I have been so depressed lately, dealing with the loss of my sister, and they just didn’t need to live with that anymore. By the time school is out and they come back I hope to have things under control and be able to be a fun mom for them again. There is more to it but, I will get into that later.

I want to find me again. I know that means first getting healthy, then a career. Very strongly considering nursing at this point in time. I went to college for music but worked my way through as a nurse aid. So nursing shouldn’t be too far out there for me. I also was an EMT for a while. And then there is music. Always such a huge part of my life, I must find a way to get back to that. Join a band or something again. I miss singing.

Well wish me luck in keeping my resolutions this year. I would still like to stop chewing my fingernails too….. that would be a great one to finally achieve. Pray for my kids that they all go through these next few months well. Little Charleigh misses her “mi-mi” (Madi) terribly and is having a tough time sleeping without her. It is a time of change for all of us. We will be okay though, I know we will.

I should add here that my dear friend from many years ago (OK to heck with that dear friend crap, my BFF for life, practically my twin, my partner in MANY MANY crimes), Kristi, takes care of Madi and Tristan everyday after school and they just adore her. Her son and Tristan are the same age and have hit it off wonderfully. Kristi and I were like sisters, and I am so happy, and so much more at peace with my decision, since she is being a part of their lives right now too. Madison is excited to learn flute from Kristi and guitar from Jeremy. I might end up passing along the music gene yet.

OK so….. enough for today. Keep your head’s up. It’s a new year and we’re going places.